Here is a quote from Wikipedia to remind the reader what the bargaining stage is like:
Bargaining-
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the person is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time...”
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
As a missionary passing through cultural death I passed through this stage. During the first term on the missions field this stage begins. Normal it starts between their second and third year, if they are on a four year schedule.
It starts because they realize that being angry will not change anything, and that they have no real power to change the culture as a whole. To a person from our fix everything American way, this is a bitter pill to swoll. The missionary begins to understand that if he continues to live in his host country he will be forced to endure cultural death. So he starts to bargain with God!
I remember doing this. I would say or think things like this: "God I know that you called me to Ghana, but if you change your mind that is fine with me!" "Lord, if I work really hard could you make Ghana have a coup, and I will promise to be a good pastor in the United States." "Lord, if you just allow me to make it to fulrough, I will find a place in America that has a large population of Ghananians, and I will start a ministry there with them", and even more, "Lord, if I serve you and start one church, could you have a college or mission board call me and ask me to work for them!" or "Lord, I will serve you very hard, please, just let me retire in the States!"
These are all real things that I prayed to God. I was bargaining with him, like a person in Ghana bargains with a food fender. People fear death (at least the unsaved do), but I know as a missionary cultural death is hard to. No one wants to die, and we will do anything to delay the inevitable.
I just have one thing to say about this stage. The Bible says in John 12:24 "Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die, it abideth alone: but if it die, it bringeth forth much fruit". The only way a person is truly not alone, is if they are willing to die to God's will.
As a missionary we are on the field, because God has called us to that location. Until be accept that and die to our own cultural world, we will remain alone. We will keep everything and everyone at a distance. But, if we die, the process can start, and God will give us fruit. Here is a promise that God gave me from His Word, when I passed through this time of bargaining.
Mark 10:29-30 And Jesus answered and said, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my sake, and the gospel's, But he shall receive an hundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters, and mothers, and children, and lands, with persecutions; and in the world to come eternal life.
The great thing about being a missionary is that a person gets more: He has two homes, two countries, two famiies, two languages, two worlds!!!!!!!! We do not have less, we have so much more! I thank God for it all, and I feel that I am one of the most blessed people I know.
Showing posts with label culture shock. Show all posts
Showing posts with label culture shock. Show all posts
Monday, July 6, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Cultural Death- Anger Stage
I read a quote from Isobel Kuhn that I did not understand until I became a missionary. It goes like this: "When you move to the mission field the scum of your nature raises to the surface." I have read this sentence many times since I have arrived on the field six years ago, and every word of it is true.
I spent a lot of time as a boy playing outside. And a lot of that time outside was spent in creeks and ponds. Creeks are amazing. Before a boy starts to play in one, it is clear A person can see the bottom, and might even drink out of it, if he is really thirsty, but once the boy starts to play in it, the creek is transformed. That clear water is changed, after just a few minutes of his kicking, splashing, and playing; the water is all mud and scum. No clear water can be seen then.
What is this magic that little boys has? Does the little devil carry a ton of dirt in his pockets, or maybe he just bulldozes the whole creek bed into the stream! No, we all know the problem. The boy might be the source of the agitation, but he is not the source of the scum. It was there all along, lying on the bottom of the creek, just waiting to be stirred. Once the boy comes, it covers everything, it sticks to his feet, and it fills the water.
This creek is just like the missionary. His life is quietly and peacefully flowing in its normal pattern. The passer-by might look at him in admiration, amazed at the steady course and cleanness of his life. But all the passer-by sees is the waters. They see the missionary at his home, but what they do not see is the scum of his nature, the sinfulness that lies at the bottom of his heart, that is just waiting to resurface.
The amazing thing though, is that the missionary does not see it either. Most missionaries, I would like to think, begin to believe the many things that they hear about themselves while on deputation. After so many months of oohhhs and ahhhs, the complements, the praises, the status as a Christian demi-god (at least publicly), begins to take their toll. Now, the good missionary will never admit this to himself, that would be pride, but in his heart he does begin to think he has done something special. This super-human act must of course be done by someone that is slightly super-human if not above average. Of course this is a generalization, but I can say that is was quite true in my case.
Here is where all this scum and pride meets cultural death. The missionary has now been in country for six to nine months, the wonderful people that he has been called to reach are not so wonderful anymore, and there is a problem. He does not understand himself or them. They do things that are so different, irritating, and sometimes just wicked. He tries to understand the explanations given to him, but it is all gibberish. They are doing things that are not just wrong, but just fundamentally unheard of! The locals are calling day night, and night day. But, what is worse is that they defend these actions, thoughts and feelings. They call them right and look amazed when they are challenged. The missionary beings to wonder what he has been called to, he knew that he was called to the unsaved, the worldly, the wicked, but these people are starting to seem like… insufferable monsters, how can he reach them, At times he feels impotent, the course of events flows to fast for his immature mind in his new culture. All these thoughts build, and just like heat lighting in the African dry season, a bolt of white hot lighting shear the scene. Someone pressed a button! Boom!!! It takes a few moments for the senses to clear, and the blinding light of rage to pass, but he walks away confused. He asks himself, “What is wrong with these people?” If he is not careful everything they do reminds him of their differences, and this is even more so if he is in a place of a different language, race, and standard of living. Before long he is just angry. That scum is stirred by cultural agitation.
His anger can take a few forms now: either he will get angry when he thinks it is safe (i.e.- take it out on the family, because they will always love them), or he will find targets for his rage (i.e.- people in the culture that most represent the difference).
But sooner or later the anger will come out. Some missionary just get angry at the difficulties, but many get angry at the injustices. Their righteous wrath begins to smoke and the nationals hear again and again, “Well, in the states we do it like this…” or “That is not right, you should do it this way…” or “Where I come from…” on and on it goes.
This is the stage marked by the most activity. The missionary is not in denial, but is not to the stage of just crawling through. He sets out to mend and fix. Active is his by word. He has a plan. If it is not to fix the whole messed-up nation at least he can fix the people around him. He is like a boiling pot of water; he does not know that the motion comes from the heat of the cultural flames.
This is the stage many missionaries leave the field. The problem is that their pots begin to blow and if they are not careful they cook dry. I meet a young couple that had been in the Caribbean for six months that was passing through this stage. They had returned to raise some more support, when I meet them at a church. We talked at restaurant and I told them of my own experience with cultural shock, and told them that there where many times I was angry and even hated individuals God had called me to. I told them it was just a stage, which would pass if they looked to the Lord. Well, the young man was just passing from denial to anger, and did not agree. He said he was not going through culture shock, but I could tell he was angry. I can still remember the fire in his eyes and the curl of his lip as he described the people of the island. A person would have thought that he was talking about someone that had killed a relative not the people that he had committed to serve. But, he was in the midst of cultural death, and to him they where killing something… his way of life! I was not surprise when I heard a year or so later that they had left the field. Sometimes the anger boils too much, and all we think that we can do is run away.
I will say for me, the hardest thing about the anger is what it told me about myself. I knew I had a temper before I got saved, but that had been broken. I did not struggle with being angry, or so I thought before I came to the field. But I soon learned that I was flesh and blood, and that I could sin, and would sin.
I can remember a few times in my own experience where anger consumed me. There are numerous time to be truthful. I had many times while driving (we had a car for about two years) where the people of our city where staring as a crazy white man shouted out of his windows and yelled near Twi curse-words at drivers. I had times of rage as people asked me for money for doing the jobs that they where paid to do, or for doing things that should have been just simple civic duties. But the crowning story is our trip to Takoradi for vacation. I will try to relate it to you quickly and only tell you the needed details.
Here are the basics: I had newly bought a car, not knowing that the tags had expired, since here we write things day, month, year, not month, day and year, as in the United States. We decided to take a trip in our new car to another city on the ocean for a week trip. When we left on Monday we where quickly stopped at our first road block and discovered our old tags, and promised to correct them after returning to Kumasi. After about eight hours of stopping and going and one flooded road, on our four hours trip, we reached Takoradi. To reach our hotel we would have to cross the city, go about three miles out of town and find the hotel. This is when it all happened. We where just a mile away from our destination, when we where stopped again. Here I will try to give some more details.
We had a small four door hatch back fully loaded down, with no room to spare, except the small spot for Carey’s car set. From a police barricade a police officers began to wave for us to stop. So I pulled over and he approached our car. Before we could see our old stickers, and since I had already been through this same process eight times that day, I decided that the direct approach was in order. I told the officer that I knew that my stickers where bad, that I needed to change them, and that I would as soon as I arrived back in Kumasi. To this the officer demanded to see my license and passport, so that he could confiscate them. Here came the lighting bolt, a person could feel the energy in the air. When he told me that he wanted my passport, I told him no way, I was an American citizen, my passport was American property and he could not touch it. He demanded my license, and I gave it to him. I was hot. Once he had my license, he walked away. Patty and I sat in the chair and ranted at each other and the officer. Finally I decided that enough was enough, I was standing up for my rights. I opened the door, and slammed it, and walk over to the officer. (Please remember there are three officers, and they all have large guns). I thought that I had rights, this man was being unreasonable, I was not a local person, he could not push me around. So I walked up to him, and in a very firm voice said, “I am leaving right now, and you will give me back my license right NOW!” To which the officer told me that I was under arrest (by the way, the police here arrest everyone for everything, so that they can be paid to release the offender). He marched back to my car, telling me that I had to drive him to the police station where he would keep me. As he approached my car, my wife says to the man, “Where are you going to sit, on my lap” (remember the car is full), to this the officer started pointing his gun. Finally he walked away, and was very angry. I sat in the car with my wife and finally after the man got more angry and started to wave his gun more, we decided to drive off. Yes, I drove off.
After getting to the hotel, I flagged a taxi, and went to the police station. On the way I explained everything to the taxi driver, who laughed in my face. He told me I was an ignorant ‘broni’- foreigner, and told me that if I had just paid the guy some money I would have had not problems. After about five minutes, we reached the station. I was meet by the sergeant, and after the office from the road arrived, everything got interesting. Basically to make it short, they wanted to arrest me, lock me up, asked me if I would done that in my country (Which I wouldn’t have), and told me I had to pay a fine.
I thought that the whole thing was crazy, the guy had waved a guy at my wife and baby, but the taxi driver took my outside and to me to shut up and follow his led. We went back inside, I was literally forced to plead for mercy and told to ask forgiveness. After this the taxi driver and the sergeant bargained over my “fine” and off we went with my license. It was a long three hour ordeal.
Needless, to say I am much embraced about this story. But it is true. I was in the anger stage of cultural death. I can remember this and other things that I did that I pray that I will never do again. The anger was real, but I did not follow the Bible at these moments. The Bible says, “Be angry and sin not!” That is not what I did.
Anger during culture shock is understandable. As a missionary, a person is confused, out of focus. But, that anger should not cause us to sin. I believe that the main reason most missionaries to not complete their first term is that when they reach this stage, and they see how wicked they are, they will not accept it. They will not admit they are the wicked one. Most missionaries at this point are still to convinced of their holiness, and so they blame the nationals, laws, or customs. They do not see that it is not these things that are the scum, but their own nature.
I have been through the anger stage, long and hard. It taught me a lot about myself. I saw who I was and what I was capable of doing. This are not easy things to learn about, but they are very important if God is going to brake a missionary and use him. I hope to never see some of those things again, but I am glad I had to face them.
I want to say this to new missionaries going to go through this stage, and missionaries going through, You can make it! If a person turns to God, and lets God teach him about himself, he will make it. The key is that a missionary can not blame the nationals for his failings, and must wait on God through prayer and the Word to keep filling his pot. Sure, the fire will make it roll at time, but if God keep filling it with water, instead of it charring, it will clean the pot.
For those that are reading this that will never be missionaries, please pray. Anger is a hard enemy to face, but it can be defeated. A missionary is only as strong as his prayer support, so please pray.
**(For further reading about the struggles of missionaries please read these book: In the Arena, Behind the Ranges, Hudson Taylor and Maria- Pioneer missionaries, Have we no Right)
I spent a lot of time as a boy playing outside. And a lot of that time outside was spent in creeks and ponds. Creeks are amazing. Before a boy starts to play in one, it is clear A person can see the bottom, and might even drink out of it, if he is really thirsty, but once the boy starts to play in it, the creek is transformed. That clear water is changed, after just a few minutes of his kicking, splashing, and playing; the water is all mud and scum. No clear water can be seen then.
What is this magic that little boys has? Does the little devil carry a ton of dirt in his pockets, or maybe he just bulldozes the whole creek bed into the stream! No, we all know the problem. The boy might be the source of the agitation, but he is not the source of the scum. It was there all along, lying on the bottom of the creek, just waiting to be stirred. Once the boy comes, it covers everything, it sticks to his feet, and it fills the water.
This creek is just like the missionary. His life is quietly and peacefully flowing in its normal pattern. The passer-by might look at him in admiration, amazed at the steady course and cleanness of his life. But all the passer-by sees is the waters. They see the missionary at his home, but what they do not see is the scum of his nature, the sinfulness that lies at the bottom of his heart, that is just waiting to resurface.
The amazing thing though, is that the missionary does not see it either. Most missionaries, I would like to think, begin to believe the many things that they hear about themselves while on deputation. After so many months of oohhhs and ahhhs, the complements, the praises, the status as a Christian demi-god (at least publicly), begins to take their toll. Now, the good missionary will never admit this to himself, that would be pride, but in his heart he does begin to think he has done something special. This super-human act must of course be done by someone that is slightly super-human if not above average. Of course this is a generalization, but I can say that is was quite true in my case.
Here is where all this scum and pride meets cultural death. The missionary has now been in country for six to nine months, the wonderful people that he has been called to reach are not so wonderful anymore, and there is a problem. He does not understand himself or them. They do things that are so different, irritating, and sometimes just wicked. He tries to understand the explanations given to him, but it is all gibberish. They are doing things that are not just wrong, but just fundamentally unheard of! The locals are calling day night, and night day. But, what is worse is that they defend these actions, thoughts and feelings. They call them right and look amazed when they are challenged. The missionary beings to wonder what he has been called to, he knew that he was called to the unsaved, the worldly, the wicked, but these people are starting to seem like… insufferable monsters, how can he reach them, At times he feels impotent, the course of events flows to fast for his immature mind in his new culture. All these thoughts build, and just like heat lighting in the African dry season, a bolt of white hot lighting shear the scene. Someone pressed a button! Boom!!! It takes a few moments for the senses to clear, and the blinding light of rage to pass, but he walks away confused. He asks himself, “What is wrong with these people?” If he is not careful everything they do reminds him of their differences, and this is even more so if he is in a place of a different language, race, and standard of living. Before long he is just angry. That scum is stirred by cultural agitation.
His anger can take a few forms now: either he will get angry when he thinks it is safe (i.e.- take it out on the family, because they will always love them), or he will find targets for his rage (i.e.- people in the culture that most represent the difference).
But sooner or later the anger will come out. Some missionary just get angry at the difficulties, but many get angry at the injustices. Their righteous wrath begins to smoke and the nationals hear again and again, “Well, in the states we do it like this…” or “That is not right, you should do it this way…” or “Where I come from…” on and on it goes.
This is the stage marked by the most activity. The missionary is not in denial, but is not to the stage of just crawling through. He sets out to mend and fix. Active is his by word. He has a plan. If it is not to fix the whole messed-up nation at least he can fix the people around him. He is like a boiling pot of water; he does not know that the motion comes from the heat of the cultural flames.
This is the stage many missionaries leave the field. The problem is that their pots begin to blow and if they are not careful they cook dry. I meet a young couple that had been in the Caribbean for six months that was passing through this stage. They had returned to raise some more support, when I meet them at a church. We talked at restaurant and I told them of my own experience with cultural shock, and told them that there where many times I was angry and even hated individuals God had called me to. I told them it was just a stage, which would pass if they looked to the Lord. Well, the young man was just passing from denial to anger, and did not agree. He said he was not going through culture shock, but I could tell he was angry. I can still remember the fire in his eyes and the curl of his lip as he described the people of the island. A person would have thought that he was talking about someone that had killed a relative not the people that he had committed to serve. But, he was in the midst of cultural death, and to him they where killing something… his way of life! I was not surprise when I heard a year or so later that they had left the field. Sometimes the anger boils too much, and all we think that we can do is run away.
I will say for me, the hardest thing about the anger is what it told me about myself. I knew I had a temper before I got saved, but that had been broken. I did not struggle with being angry, or so I thought before I came to the field. But I soon learned that I was flesh and blood, and that I could sin, and would sin.
I can remember a few times in my own experience where anger consumed me. There are numerous time to be truthful. I had many times while driving (we had a car for about two years) where the people of our city where staring as a crazy white man shouted out of his windows and yelled near Twi curse-words at drivers. I had times of rage as people asked me for money for doing the jobs that they where paid to do, or for doing things that should have been just simple civic duties. But the crowning story is our trip to Takoradi for vacation. I will try to relate it to you quickly and only tell you the needed details.
Here are the basics: I had newly bought a car, not knowing that the tags had expired, since here we write things day, month, year, not month, day and year, as in the United States. We decided to take a trip in our new car to another city on the ocean for a week trip. When we left on Monday we where quickly stopped at our first road block and discovered our old tags, and promised to correct them after returning to Kumasi. After about eight hours of stopping and going and one flooded road, on our four hours trip, we reached Takoradi. To reach our hotel we would have to cross the city, go about three miles out of town and find the hotel. This is when it all happened. We where just a mile away from our destination, when we where stopped again. Here I will try to give some more details.
We had a small four door hatch back fully loaded down, with no room to spare, except the small spot for Carey’s car set. From a police barricade a police officers began to wave for us to stop. So I pulled over and he approached our car. Before we could see our old stickers, and since I had already been through this same process eight times that day, I decided that the direct approach was in order. I told the officer that I knew that my stickers where bad, that I needed to change them, and that I would as soon as I arrived back in Kumasi. To this the officer demanded to see my license and passport, so that he could confiscate them. Here came the lighting bolt, a person could feel the energy in the air. When he told me that he wanted my passport, I told him no way, I was an American citizen, my passport was American property and he could not touch it. He demanded my license, and I gave it to him. I was hot. Once he had my license, he walked away. Patty and I sat in the chair and ranted at each other and the officer. Finally I decided that enough was enough, I was standing up for my rights. I opened the door, and slammed it, and walk over to the officer. (Please remember there are three officers, and they all have large guns). I thought that I had rights, this man was being unreasonable, I was not a local person, he could not push me around. So I walked up to him, and in a very firm voice said, “I am leaving right now, and you will give me back my license right NOW!” To which the officer told me that I was under arrest (by the way, the police here arrest everyone for everything, so that they can be paid to release the offender). He marched back to my car, telling me that I had to drive him to the police station where he would keep me. As he approached my car, my wife says to the man, “Where are you going to sit, on my lap” (remember the car is full), to this the officer started pointing his gun. Finally he walked away, and was very angry. I sat in the car with my wife and finally after the man got more angry and started to wave his gun more, we decided to drive off. Yes, I drove off.
After getting to the hotel, I flagged a taxi, and went to the police station. On the way I explained everything to the taxi driver, who laughed in my face. He told me I was an ignorant ‘broni’- foreigner, and told me that if I had just paid the guy some money I would have had not problems. After about five minutes, we reached the station. I was meet by the sergeant, and after the office from the road arrived, everything got interesting. Basically to make it short, they wanted to arrest me, lock me up, asked me if I would done that in my country (Which I wouldn’t have), and told me I had to pay a fine.
I thought that the whole thing was crazy, the guy had waved a guy at my wife and baby, but the taxi driver took my outside and to me to shut up and follow his led. We went back inside, I was literally forced to plead for mercy and told to ask forgiveness. After this the taxi driver and the sergeant bargained over my “fine” and off we went with my license. It was a long three hour ordeal.
Needless, to say I am much embraced about this story. But it is true. I was in the anger stage of cultural death. I can remember this and other things that I did that I pray that I will never do again. The anger was real, but I did not follow the Bible at these moments. The Bible says, “Be angry and sin not!” That is not what I did.
Anger during culture shock is understandable. As a missionary, a person is confused, out of focus. But, that anger should not cause us to sin. I believe that the main reason most missionaries to not complete their first term is that when they reach this stage, and they see how wicked they are, they will not accept it. They will not admit they are the wicked one. Most missionaries at this point are still to convinced of their holiness, and so they blame the nationals, laws, or customs. They do not see that it is not these things that are the scum, but their own nature.
I have been through the anger stage, long and hard. It taught me a lot about myself. I saw who I was and what I was capable of doing. This are not easy things to learn about, but they are very important if God is going to brake a missionary and use him. I hope to never see some of those things again, but I am glad I had to face them.
I want to say this to new missionaries going to go through this stage, and missionaries going through, You can make it! If a person turns to God, and lets God teach him about himself, he will make it. The key is that a missionary can not blame the nationals for his failings, and must wait on God through prayer and the Word to keep filling his pot. Sure, the fire will make it roll at time, but if God keep filling it with water, instead of it charring, it will clean the pot.
For those that are reading this that will never be missionaries, please pray. Anger is a hard enemy to face, but it can be defeated. A missionary is only as strong as his prayer support, so please pray.
**(For further reading about the struggles of missionaries please read these book: In the Arena, Behind the Ranges, Hudson Taylor and Maria- Pioneer missionaries, Have we no Right)
Monday, June 8, 2009
The Cultural Death-
I have been reminded of my own passage through culture shock of late. We have new missionary friends that have now been on the field for six months, and we are beginning to see the early signs of culture shock that they are going through.
It is nice to be able to remember my own experience of culture shock with that detachment that only comes from the passing of time. I have been through it, and can remember all the stages and pain, but like with all things, those feelings have become less painful with time.
Just some picture from the last year!
Culture shock is a life-changing event. It has the power to transform a person’s life for good or bad! I have personally seen and have heard of many missionaries and expatriates that have been scared by culture shock. The amazing thing, though, is that for those that allow it, it can transform them for good. It can be a tool God greatly uses in their lives.
Rodney Ruppel, a long term missionary in Cambodia, explained culture shock like this: Culture shock is the hardest and most difficult thing a missionary can pass through. It is like dealing with the grief of loss, but not just the loss of one person, but a whole way of life. It is like every family member, friend, and Christian Brother or Sister all dying at once. A missionary’s way of life, language, and everything that he identifies with is suddenly gone. This level of loss is culture shock in its deepest form. It is no wonder, when culture shock is put in these terms, why it is said that 75% of all missionaries leave the field during or just after their first term.
For a missionary to pass through culture shock and remain on the field, he must walk down a pathway of death. He must allow God’s calling on his life to force him to be separated from all that he knows is normal, and be willing to die to what he knows of himself.
The best way to describe this process is Luke 9:23, And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.
To help future missionaries and ones that are currently going through this process of culture shock, I want to talk about the stages of culture shock and grieving, and discuss my personal journey through my own cultural death.
Before I start this short series of blogs I want to say a few things: first, cultural shock is real, and every missionary staying outside their home culture goes through it. Second, culture shock must be dealt with. Thirdly and finally, culture shock in its self is not unspiritual, it is a fact, when a person has culture shock he is not unspiritual. It is how a person deals with this cultural death that will determine how they grow spiritually.
The first thing that I want to give the new missionary is an understanding of the process of culture shock, which can be understood more fully as cultural death. Culture shock is broken up into three major parts: the honeymoon phase, the negotiation phase, the adjustment phase. Here is a basic description of culture shock and its stages:
Culture shock refers to the anxiety and feelings (of surprise, disorientation, uncertainty, confusion, etc.) felt when people have to operate within a different and unknown cultural or social environment, such as a foreign country. It grows out of the difficulties in assimilating the new culture, causing difficulty in knowing what is appropriate and what is not. This is often combined with a dislike for or even disgust (morally or aesthetically) with certain aspects of the new culture.
Phases of culture shock
(These stages only fully occur for people that reside in another culture for an extended period of time.)
Honeymoon Phase - During this period the differences between the old and new culture are seen in a romantic light, wonderful and new. For example, in moving to a new country, an individual might love the new foods, the pace of the life, the people's habits, the buildings and so on.
Negotiation Phase - After some time, differences between the old and new culture become apparent and may create anxiety. One may long for food the way it is prepared in one's native country, may find the pace of life too fast or slow, may find the people's habits annoying, disgusting, and irritating etc. This phase is often marked by mood swings caused by minor issues or without apparent reason. Depression is not uncommon.
Adjustment Phase - Again, after some time, one grows accustomed to the new culture and develops routines. One knows what to expect in most situations and the host country no longer feels all that new. One becomes concerned with basic living again, and things become more "normal".
(SOURCE: Wikipedia online- Culture shock)
With this basic knowledge a person can understand the theoretical side of culture shock, but to more fully understand a missionary’s experience, before I discuss my own journey, we have to understand that the missionary’s culture shock more closely mimics the grieving pattern in all its points then the simple culture shock model.
Here is a basis run down of grief as described by Wikipedia:
The five step grieving mode was first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying". It was described, in five distinct stages, a process by which people deal with grief and tragedy, especially when diagnosed with a terminal illness or catastrophic loss.
Stages
1) Denial:
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.
Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
2) Anger:
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life (or the person lost) is subject to projected resentment and jealousy, or the opposite feelings of attachment.
Example - "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"
3) Bargaining:
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the person is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time...”
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
4) Depression (Loneliness):
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect themselves from things of love and affection.
Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
5) Acceptance:
This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle.
Example - "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, and later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, or an infertility diagnosis.
Now that we have laid a good foundation, I hope in the next few blogs to relate my own experience of passing through cultural death. As any missionary knows that has remained on the mission field, culture shock is very real and personal, but if it is given to God it can change your life for the better.
It is nice to be able to remember my own experience of culture shock with that detachment that only comes from the passing of time. I have been through it, and can remember all the stages and pain, but like with all things, those feelings have become less painful with time.
Just some picture from the last year!
Culture shock is a life-changing event. It has the power to transform a person’s life for good or bad! I have personally seen and have heard of many missionaries and expatriates that have been scared by culture shock. The amazing thing, though, is that for those that allow it, it can transform them for good. It can be a tool God greatly uses in their lives.
Rodney Ruppel, a long term missionary in Cambodia, explained culture shock like this: Culture shock is the hardest and most difficult thing a missionary can pass through. It is like dealing with the grief of loss, but not just the loss of one person, but a whole way of life. It is like every family member, friend, and Christian Brother or Sister all dying at once. A missionary’s way of life, language, and everything that he identifies with is suddenly gone. This level of loss is culture shock in its deepest form. It is no wonder, when culture shock is put in these terms, why it is said that 75% of all missionaries leave the field during or just after their first term.
For a missionary to pass through culture shock and remain on the field, he must walk down a pathway of death. He must allow God’s calling on his life to force him to be separated from all that he knows is normal, and be willing to die to what he knows of himself.
The best way to describe this process is Luke 9:23, And he said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.
To help future missionaries and ones that are currently going through this process of culture shock, I want to talk about the stages of culture shock and grieving, and discuss my personal journey through my own cultural death.
Before I start this short series of blogs I want to say a few things: first, cultural shock is real, and every missionary staying outside their home culture goes through it. Second, culture shock must be dealt with. Thirdly and finally, culture shock in its self is not unspiritual, it is a fact, when a person has culture shock he is not unspiritual. It is how a person deals with this cultural death that will determine how they grow spiritually.
The first thing that I want to give the new missionary is an understanding of the process of culture shock, which can be understood more fully as cultural death. Culture shock is broken up into three major parts: the honeymoon phase, the negotiation phase, the adjustment phase. Here is a basic description of culture shock and its stages:
Culture shock refers to the anxiety and feelings (of surprise, disorientation, uncertainty, confusion, etc.) felt when people have to operate within a different and unknown cultural or social environment, such as a foreign country. It grows out of the difficulties in assimilating the new culture, causing difficulty in knowing what is appropriate and what is not. This is often combined with a dislike for or even disgust (morally or aesthetically) with certain aspects of the new culture.
Phases of culture shock
(These stages only fully occur for people that reside in another culture for an extended period of time.)
Honeymoon Phase - During this period the differences between the old and new culture are seen in a romantic light, wonderful and new. For example, in moving to a new country, an individual might love the new foods, the pace of the life, the people's habits, the buildings and so on.
Negotiation Phase - After some time, differences between the old and new culture become apparent and may create anxiety. One may long for food the way it is prepared in one's native country, may find the pace of life too fast or slow, may find the people's habits annoying, disgusting, and irritating etc. This phase is often marked by mood swings caused by minor issues or without apparent reason. Depression is not uncommon.
Adjustment Phase - Again, after some time, one grows accustomed to the new culture and develops routines. One knows what to expect in most situations and the host country no longer feels all that new. One becomes concerned with basic living again, and things become more "normal".
(SOURCE: Wikipedia online- Culture shock)
With this basic knowledge a person can understand the theoretical side of culture shock, but to more fully understand a missionary’s experience, before I discuss my own journey, we have to understand that the missionary’s culture shock more closely mimics the grieving pattern in all its points then the simple culture shock model.
Here is a basis run down of grief as described by Wikipedia:
The five step grieving mode was first introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying". It was described, in five distinct stages, a process by which people deal with grief and tragedy, especially when diagnosed with a terminal illness or catastrophic loss.
Stages
1) Denial:
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.
Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
2) Anger:
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life (or the person lost) is subject to projected resentment and jealousy, or the opposite feelings of attachment.
Example - "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"
3) Bargaining:
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the person is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time...”
Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
4) Depression (Loneliness):
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect themselves from things of love and affection.
Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
5) Acceptance:
This final stage comes with peace and understanding of the death that is approaching. Generally, the person in the fifth stage will want to be left alone. Additionally, feelings and physical pain may be non-existent. This stage has also been described as the end of the dying struggle.
Example - "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
Kübler-Ross originally applied these stages to people suffering from terminal illness, and later to any form of catastrophic personal loss (job, income, freedom). This may also include significant life events such as the death of a loved one, divorce, drug addiction, or an infertility diagnosis.
Now that we have laid a good foundation, I hope in the next few blogs to relate my own experience of passing through cultural death. As any missionary knows that has remained on the mission field, culture shock is very real and personal, but if it is given to God it can change your life for the better.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Culture Shock!!! part 3 of 3
After brokeness, some move into a time of depression. Patty passed through this valley, and its shadows seemed to stretch much longer than in mine. But, I did have it. I was at time defeated, depressed. How could I be a missionary? I was such a sinner. I had so many faults. How could I ever be used to do anything?
But through it all God was there! His great hand was protecting, guiding, working.
He is trying to make a dependant tool. He is trying to bring you to a place of acceptance. You must accept what you really are ~ a sinner saved by GRACE ~ and accept Him as He is ~ your only hope for SALVATION and LIFE! After four full years on the field, I can say that God is so merciful! We need Him for everything. Every time I fail it is because I have lost sight that He must be the one to do it! When we see this and start to believe it, we move into the next part: acceptance! This is the greatest hurdle, but when passed, brings the greatest reward.
When a missionary sees himself, He must run to Christ! As Paul said, "I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin." Christ allows us to go through all this, so that we see the wonder of His grace and mercy! He knows our frame, He knows we are dust, and still He calls us! He will not put on us more than we can bare!
Throughout these valleys, these verses were true and will always be true: Psalms 23:1-6 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
The amazing thing is that this is just how I feel ~ God has been so good to me! His mercy is so real! God gives the greatest gift to a missionary. He puts you in the school of grief! Though it sounds funny, this can be one of the greatest lessons you ever learn if you look to God and listen through it!
I want to end with these thoughts. First, I thank God for everything that I have passed through in my life so far, and I would not change anything that He has done. Secondly, for a future missionary, culture shock is real. It is like grieving, but God will be with you! Remember that the view at the end of the valley is always worth the trip through it! Thirdly, for all of those that read this that are not missionaries, I hope that this helps you know how to pray. Continue to pray for old missionaries. They have passed through it, but pray that they stay close to Christ and that the flesh that they have come to know so well stays crucified! Also pray for the new missionaries, that this process, that is given to them from God, will draw them to God and make them stronger!
But through it all God was there! His great hand was protecting, guiding, working.
He is trying to make a dependant tool. He is trying to bring you to a place of acceptance. You must accept what you really are ~ a sinner saved by GRACE ~ and accept Him as He is ~ your only hope for SALVATION and LIFE! After four full years on the field, I can say that God is so merciful! We need Him for everything. Every time I fail it is because I have lost sight that He must be the one to do it! When we see this and start to believe it, we move into the next part: acceptance! This is the greatest hurdle, but when passed, brings the greatest reward.
When a missionary sees himself, He must run to Christ! As Paul said, "I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin." Christ allows us to go through all this, so that we see the wonder of His grace and mercy! He knows our frame, He knows we are dust, and still He calls us! He will not put on us more than we can bare!
Throughout these valleys, these verses were true and will always be true: Psalms 23:1-6 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
The amazing thing is that this is just how I feel ~ God has been so good to me! His mercy is so real! God gives the greatest gift to a missionary. He puts you in the school of grief! Though it sounds funny, this can be one of the greatest lessons you ever learn if you look to God and listen through it!
I want to end with these thoughts. First, I thank God for everything that I have passed through in my life so far, and I would not change anything that He has done. Secondly, for a future missionary, culture shock is real. It is like grieving, but God will be with you! Remember that the view at the end of the valley is always worth the trip through it! Thirdly, for all of those that read this that are not missionaries, I hope that this helps you know how to pray. Continue to pray for old missionaries. They have passed through it, but pray that they stay close to Christ and that the flesh that they have come to know so well stays crucified! Also pray for the new missionaries, that this process, that is given to them from God, will draw them to God and make them stronger!
Culture Shock!!! part 2 of 3
Once you get over the excitement and denial, you move to anger. I thought that I had conquered my temper when I was a teenager. Boy, was I wrong! As Isobel Khun said, "When you move to the mission field, the scum of your nature rises to the top." I was angry all the time. I remember one time when Carey was about a year old, and the younger brother of our butcher (he was about 18 years old) told me that he was going to marry my daughter. When I ssw that he was serious, I almost killed him. I was so mad that if I had not left the shop, I think that I would have exploded! The hard thing was that I did not "take it out" on those in the outside world, but on my family. They were safe, so I would just explode at them. This is when the internal conflict began, the breaking. I looked at my own relfection in the pool of my depravity, and I was shocked by what I saw. I was so angry, so afraid, so sinful! There were times I hated Ghana and its people. I hate to say that, but it was true. I did not know myself. I thought that I was this great missionary, this gift to the 21st century missionfield. But that was just the beginning.
Most men learn to live their lives by knowledge. Each wants to be the master of his world. Men learn, study, and control. We learn what to expect and how to react. When you move to the mission field you are like a grown man that has become a baby again. You have to learn to talk, to think, to understand. One thing that is very hard is dealing with sin. In your home country you have learned to fight sin there, you knows its tactics, its language, its style. You feel confident that you have developed as a Christian and can face most problems that come your way. Then you go to the missionfield. With all this grief, you are in knots internally. You don't know which way is up. You are an emotional wreck. Remember, the Devil is a roaring lion, and just like a lion, he waits until you are confused and distracted to attack. He knows that if he can kill you, he gets the whole family. It was hard the first time I heard that roar!
I remember that I felt so weak. I felt that I was just limping along, just trying to make it to furlough. Then it stood before me ~ my flesh in all of its horror, ugliness, and power. Anger, lust, temptation, fear, greed, discontentment, jealousy... I thought things, felt things, did things, that rocked me to the core! You cry out for mercy! You start to see that you are not the person that you thought at all. You say with the words of Paul, "O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?"
I have learned why most missionaries quit after first term: they are running from themselves! When you see yourself on the field, you are naked and bare before the world. There, your old man cries out for attention, and you have to face it. The funny thing is that you can run, but you will never be able to hide from it. It shares the same house as your new man, and for the rest of your life you will bump into him! The problem is that missionaries start to believe that the place is the problem, not the person. That is why they run! But they are running from the wrong thing.
Once you pass the anger, you begin to bargain. If God will let you just make it until furlough, or even better, have some missions agency or college call you off the field, then you will serve Him faithfully at home the rest of your life. You bargain with God, your family, yourself. The thing that the missionary has to be very careful about is bargaining with the Devil. At this time, you hear that hissing voice a lot. It is telling you that God is holding something back, that God does not care, that you are alone. There were times that I followed after some piece of forbidden fruit, thinking that it would end the pain, but God's great grace was always there to stop me before I took the bite! By this time the ground is plowed, the stones turned up, and you are broken.
Most men learn to live their lives by knowledge. Each wants to be the master of his world. Men learn, study, and control. We learn what to expect and how to react. When you move to the mission field you are like a grown man that has become a baby again. You have to learn to talk, to think, to understand. One thing that is very hard is dealing with sin. In your home country you have learned to fight sin there, you knows its tactics, its language, its style. You feel confident that you have developed as a Christian and can face most problems that come your way. Then you go to the missionfield. With all this grief, you are in knots internally. You don't know which way is up. You are an emotional wreck. Remember, the Devil is a roaring lion, and just like a lion, he waits until you are confused and distracted to attack. He knows that if he can kill you, he gets the whole family. It was hard the first time I heard that roar!
I remember that I felt so weak. I felt that I was just limping along, just trying to make it to furlough. Then it stood before me ~ my flesh in all of its horror, ugliness, and power. Anger, lust, temptation, fear, greed, discontentment, jealousy... I thought things, felt things, did things, that rocked me to the core! You cry out for mercy! You start to see that you are not the person that you thought at all. You say with the words of Paul, "O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?"
I have learned why most missionaries quit after first term: they are running from themselves! When you see yourself on the field, you are naked and bare before the world. There, your old man cries out for attention, and you have to face it. The funny thing is that you can run, but you will never be able to hide from it. It shares the same house as your new man, and for the rest of your life you will bump into him! The problem is that missionaries start to believe that the place is the problem, not the person. That is why they run! But they are running from the wrong thing.
Once you pass the anger, you begin to bargain. If God will let you just make it until furlough, or even better, have some missions agency or college call you off the field, then you will serve Him faithfully at home the rest of your life. You bargain with God, your family, yourself. The thing that the missionary has to be very careful about is bargaining with the Devil. At this time, you hear that hissing voice a lot. It is telling you that God is holding something back, that God does not care, that you are alone. There were times that I followed after some piece of forbidden fruit, thinking that it would end the pain, but God's great grace was always there to stop me before I took the bite! By this time the ground is plowed, the stones turned up, and you are broken.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Culture Shock!!! Part 1 of 3
I have to admit that I was not too thrilled about writing this blog, but between my wife's blog, and the funeral yesterday, I felt like this was an important blog to write. People might wonder why. When a missionary talks about their culture shock experience it is like rubbing a newly healed wound ~ though you are not bleeding, you still remember the pain. I am writing this in hopes that it might be a help to someone that will pass this road after me, or for those that hear of this phenomena, so that they will be able to pray from missionaries more intelligently.
A missionary that I respect told me that culture shock is just like dealing with a death in the family. The difference is that it is not just one person, it is as if every person that you have ever known has died. It is that real. You mourn, you grieve, you feel loss, not just for a person, but for a way of life.
I know that this is hard to understand for a person that has not passed through this valley of the shadow of death, but for the missionary, he/she has tasted it, and it can never be forgetten.
A missionary that I respect told me that culture shock is just like dealing with a death in the family. The difference is that it is not just one person, it is as if every person that you have ever known has died. It is that real. You mourn, you grieve, you feel loss, not just for a person, but for a way of life.
I know that this is hard to understand for a person that has not passed through this valley of the shadow of death, but for the missionary, he/she has tasted it, and it can never be forgetten.
Try to imagine this scenario: You are a young person. It is Monday, August 6 of the year 1945, and you have gone for a walk on the outside of town. While you are walking, you hear a bomber plane overhead, but you do not fear because no one attacks your city. It has been untouched for most of the war. You feel safe in Hiroshima. Then you see it, the blinding flash. You feel the shock wave, and then in a second, everything you knew is gone! All your family, your friends, everything normal. In that fews seconds, you have lost everything and all that you feel is the pain of the burns. You hurt all over. You try to run back and pick-up pieces, but there is nothing left. As the weeks pass, you try to deal with the grief, but you do not even a have place to go to feel close to the ones that you have lost. Your home, your neighborhood, your way of life, it is all gone! You are in shock, and all you can do is grieve and ask, "Will I ever truly live again?"
This might seem like the words of an overactive imagination, but this is what culture shock is: grief of death, the death of your way of life! I studied some about grief, and here is what Wikipedia says: Elisabeth Kübler-Ross has posited sequential stages of grief including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, which are commonly referred to as the "grief cycle". This is exactly what a missionary goes through when he/she goes through the death of his/her culture. Not everyone handles death well. In high school, I remember when my best friend Larry's dad died. He never got over it. I am not sure he ever really dealt with it. Putting it in this light, you understand why so many missionries quit after the first term (the average is 3 out of 4). You pass through all these stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and if you look to God in it- acceptance.
This might seem like the words of an overactive imagination, but this is what culture shock is: grief of death, the death of your way of life! I studied some about grief, and here is what Wikipedia says: Elisabeth Kübler-Ross has posited sequential stages of grief including denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, which are commonly referred to as the "grief cycle". This is exactly what a missionary goes through when he/she goes through the death of his/her culture. Not everyone handles death well. In high school, I remember when my best friend Larry's dad died. He never got over it. I am not sure he ever really dealt with it. Putting it in this light, you understand why so many missionries quit after the first term (the average is 3 out of 4). You pass through all these stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and if you look to God in it- acceptance.
Here is another quote about grief. Two scientists describe it this way:
Bowlby and Parkes both note psychophysiologic components of grief... Included in these processes are feelings of unreality, depersonalization, withdrawal, and an anesthetizing of affect. The person feels unable to come to terms with what just occurred. "Whenever one's identity and social order face the possibility of destruction, there is a natural tendency to feel angry, frustrated, helpless, and/or hurt. The volatile reactions of terror, hatred, resentment, and jealousy are often experienced as emotional manifestations of these feelings."
All these quotes are given about grief, but any missionary can tell you this is just what you pass through! I have found out that women and men face this problem very differently. I know for me it was mostly an internal conflict. When you first face culture shock ~ "cultural grieving" ~ you deny there is a problem. I remember that I was numb. You walk around in this fog (the difference here is that you are excited about the change, I doubt anyone dealing with death has felt excitment). You are just going through the routine. I would say that I was a robot for the first two months. I did not really face any home-sickeness. It was quite the opposite. I was a ball of activity. I just wanted to do, do, do... I was just like the boys that I wrote about yesterday. As a new missionary, you just want to get busy. You think that activity will take the fog away. If you can just get into a routine, then everything will return to normal. Then a few months pass...
Bowlby and Parkes both note psychophysiologic components of grief... Included in these processes are feelings of unreality, depersonalization, withdrawal, and an anesthetizing of affect. The person feels unable to come to terms with what just occurred. "Whenever one's identity and social order face the possibility of destruction, there is a natural tendency to feel angry, frustrated, helpless, and/or hurt. The volatile reactions of terror, hatred, resentment, and jealousy are often experienced as emotional manifestations of these feelings."
All these quotes are given about grief, but any missionary can tell you this is just what you pass through! I have found out that women and men face this problem very differently. I know for me it was mostly an internal conflict. When you first face culture shock ~ "cultural grieving" ~ you deny there is a problem. I remember that I was numb. You walk around in this fog (the difference here is that you are excited about the change, I doubt anyone dealing with death has felt excitment). You are just going through the routine. I would say that I was a robot for the first two months. I did not really face any home-sickeness. It was quite the opposite. I was a ball of activity. I just wanted to do, do, do... I was just like the boys that I wrote about yesterday. As a new missionary, you just want to get busy. You think that activity will take the fog away. If you can just get into a routine, then everything will return to normal. Then a few months pass...
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