If American Missions was an Infomercial?!?

The other day I was reading a blog written by a missionary in Europe and some thing that he said made me think about some missionaries that I have met and some missions conferences I have been in. The people that I thought about were the suited version of Billy Mayes. It seems at times listening to some missions presentations that the listener is placed in the studio audience in a back lot where they film for the Home Shopping Network!

This thought made we wonder what American Missions would be like as an Infomercial. I can see the three products for sale now...

The Oxi-Missionary
This guys is the suited savior of missions. He smiles in his double breasted suit (or two button, three button, or six button, depending on decade and geographical location), he has gleaming white teeth, and a full-volume pitchman voice, that is amped up like a candidate for a tranquilizer-gun take down. He mounts the pulpit with passion to make a sale. Let's listen to his pitch...

While the pictures of wheat fields pass behind his head on the screen, and starving children flash before the eyes, you can almost hear an anouncer saying, "Hello! He is So-and-so, from Someplace. He not only has obtained an official degree from a recognized Baptist College, he also has the power to change missions as we know it! "

"He is supercharged, not just your regular run of the mill missionary, no, he is a missionary specialist: he preaches, smiles, sings, plays ten instruments, and has already memorized the whole New Testament in his national language. Yes, folks, do not just gets missions done, get it Oxi-done. But that is not all, folks! This man is here with a deal! Not only do you have the chance to help support this man now, to change the face of missions, today, for a special one time offer, you can help support him for only $2999 a month, that's right folks, just $2999 a month".

After another few minutes about where to place the order, the grinning missionary proceeds to explain how he coverts, baptizes, and eliminates heathen odors with a single Sunday on the field and is the best deal for you missions dollars. Yes, the Oxi-missionary is the key to all your missions dreams! If you just add him to your tool belt, the work will get done in a flash!

He guarantees to plant churches in the blink of the eye, remove all those pesky errors in the local Bible in a single term, all while single handedly evangelizing all unreached peoples of his country! After this high intensity pitch, the audience is left emotionally reeling. If the Oxi-mission has made an effective pitch, the congregation is grabbing their wallets before the dust settles and the mind focuses. They dial that number now, and before the end of the service all are voting in favor, and the Oxi-missionary is on his way to the next church.

The "Orange Glow"
His is the organic version of missions for those people that have tried other missions products and not been satisfied. This presentation has foreign flare. The announcer approaches the platform in exotic clothes. This Orange Glow has that ethnic aura and the scent of the tropics. As he mounts the pulpit, he places down his foreign language Bible and starts his presentation. The rolling R's of his broken English are alluring and the audience strains to listen as he delivers his pitch.

It starts off with an introduction to the product. This is not your ordinary, everyday orange cleaning product. This is the real deal, the 100% home-grown, missionary-tested, mission board certified national product. This Orange Glow was the culmination of long years of research and study and was finally compiled into a single formula that now can be mass-produced on demand.

Very soon the group of listeners is in a trance, much like a snake before a charmer. Here is something new, exciting, ethnic, organic. It has not been contaminated by Western Scientific minds, materialism, and modern life. Lets hear the salesman as he finishes his pitch...

"Not only is our Orange Glow missionary totally natural, he is more effective then your normal missions products. Because he is made of all natural materials, he has no need to learn the language, culture, or religions of the host culture. His powerful ethnic scent cuts through that heathen grime in half the time. But that is not all, my beloved friends, because of his organic nature, he costs just pennies to the dollar, when compared to other leading missions products".

"Why pay 29-99 a month for that old missions stuff, when you can try the all new, patent pending, all natural organic "Orange Glow" for just 50 dollars a month? Not good enough you say? We have a special this year! We will throw in 50 national pastors for the low price of just 50 dollars a month! That's right folks, just 5o dollars a month, and you get to have Orange Glow organic working for you in 50 different places at once. Think of the money saved over the leading products and the amount of work that you can get done! But that is not all, if you act right now, we will throw in an extra national Bible College, an orphanage and a day school for free. The time is short, so act now. Pick up that wallet and mission support list now! For the first 50 churches, there will be a free chance to travel and see the place that Orange Glow is made!" ***Some restrictions may apply. Numbers represent best results, and may not be true to all uses of the Orange Glow products.***

The audience is amazed. This is not the normal infomercial. They quickly add up the cost in their minds and buy the product. The price is the best part! Why not clean up all this missions mess with a cheap product, that smells great while doing the job? Plus it is so natural and "Mother- Nature" approved. The people go away feeling great about helping the world's heathen environment by using this bio-degradeable product. After the meeting the salesman goes to his next meeting.

The Super Shammy
This is the newest missions product on the block. It is being sold by high profile Baptists. They have decided that the problem is not the products that are being used, but the quantity. If the missions will start to use the Super Shammy all the problems will go away.

Let's hear the announcer now...

"Hello all you out there in the Missions World! This is Bud So-and-So from the leader of today's Fundamentalism, the place where we are experts in our field. Our group of scientists have spent long years of study and research and have now developed a patented material to help with all your mission needs."

"Through our research we have discovered that the chemicals of mission do not matter, but the coverage does. So our leader has developed a wonderful new product called the SUPER Shammy. IT will help with all your missions needs."

"The Super-Shammy is made up of a group of missionaries, hand-picked and knit together to form a hard-working fabric of effort. This group helps to hold the mission cleaners and allows the user to effectively clean large spots of darkness away in no time. This Super Shammy removes, reaches, teachs, plans, and builds in no time with its patented new group techniques."

"But that is not all! The Super Shammy is one of a kind. It cannot be bought in the normal church. No, this fabric is only found in places with our special Baptist research label. If you're interested in this wonderful, missions-changing Super Shammy, just call our representative now. You can schedule with a salesman to have a personal show at your local church. Or, if you like, attend our national Super Shammy Conference and learn how you can buy the product that will solve all your missions needs. Remember folks, it not the chemicals, it the coverage! Call Now!!!"

The Infomercial is ended and some people buy and some people don't. Some decide that there is too much hype and some like the product they buy and are happy with its results.

I know this might seem harsh to some, or over the top, but if we are not careful, this is what missions will become. Let's remember that missions is not about getting a good deal or seeming to have the best product or the latest thing. It is about honoring and glorifying God and reaching a lost world.