Surprise locations, fancy dinners, diamond rings, these are the things that fill the mind of most Americans when they think of the word ENGAGEMENT. But this is a far cry from what most people the world over think of in regards to this word, if they even have such a cultural ideal.
Last Saturday my wife and I were able to attend our first African engagement. One of our church members was getting married and we were a part of the service.
First it most be stated that in Ghana the engagement is the traditional marriage, and can be legally binding. In Ghana there are three types of marriage certificates given by the government. Traditional- meaning that the families have agreed on the marriage, but they not legal bound to stay married and the man can marry as many wives as he chooses. Muslim- this means that the man has had a wedding performed by a cleric and can legally marry up to four women. Lastly the “Til Death do us part” marriage certificate, also now as the Christian certificate, this only allows the husband to marry one wife, and they cannot divorce. With this said, most pastors in Ghana like to have big expenses weddings and will not sign this last certificate unless it is performed at a church, but the truth is that it is possible and also helpful when or if they just perform the engagement and wedding together.
This all stated, Dora, Dennis new bride’s pastor is from a church that they require a marriage ceremony at the church building, so the description that I will give you will only involve the traditional African engagement and a small amount of church influence.
The Engagement-
It starts with arrival at the house. The guest are told to arrive at about 9:00 in the morning the time is not set in the culture, what waiting is. After arrival the guests should expect to wait about one to two hours for the activities to commence.
In this case the hall of the house was filled with about 50 plastic chairs and there were about ten to fifteen outside. The brides family had rented a speaker system to play ‘christian’ music, but luckily for us the power went off after about 30 minutes, and after it came back on Dennis had then start playing more hymn related music.
Close to about 11:00 the brides family arrived. The family elder led the procession, wearing a beauty red, white, black, kente fabric toga. Behind him was the oldest female relate present, and sisters and brother, aunts and uncle of the bride. I believe that the father and mother of Dora have both passed away, since both of them were not present.
The bride arrives (left corner wearing white)
The family then wanted for the grooms family to arrive. This meant about another 30 minutes of wait time. During these hours of waiting the people talk and interact. The veteran missionary has long excepted the use of time and enjoy the surroundings and the way that the cultural works in regards to time. For our kids, we just packed a few small toys in their purses and they had a great time.
About 11:30 our 12:00 the grooms family arrives. They are led by Dennis family elder, the most elderly female, and other brothers and sisters, also friends of the family. Since I was his pastor I was already seated in the house with Dora’s people and pastor.
After everyone in the room is greeted by Dennis family, starting with Dora’s family elder, and moving counter clockwise, then Dennis family sitting in the seats provided for them in the middle of the room.
Then the engagement starts. The brides families ‘okyeame’ or spokesmen stands up. The family elder will speak, but he will not address the man’s family, or the crowd. The elder speaks to the spokesmen, though he speaks in a normal speaking voice, and then the okyeame then addresses the people that he is speaking to. This is very important to cultural protocol. In the king’s court, he always speaks through an okyeame.
The family elder greets the grooms family, and asks why they have come. Then the groom’s family okyeame stands up. He is normally a younger brother or family member of the groom, much like a best man. Each person from the family says their names, and then all the bride family and guest tell their names. The best man greets the family elder and tells him that Dennis has come to take his wife.
When the family elder hears this he ask how they are looking for? The spokesmen then speaks to the other spokesmen and adds some of his humor. It is important in Ghana culture for the spokesmen to present things well, it is his job to insure that the people listening are not offended and want to receive the things that are being said. In this case our okyeame describes the girls of the house like flowers, and tells them that there are many different flowers at the house, and they are wondering which flower the man has come for. The people all laugh at the speakers joke and wit, and now it is the other spokesmen’s job to reply. From here on out, it is more of a competition between the two okyeame. They are free talk at will now, the one representing the brides family, making sure that the man really knows the girl, and for the groom’s okyeame as he tries to so everyone present that the boy is serious and not just picking the first girl he sees. After about 5 to 10 minutes of playful banter and jokes about which flower the boy has come to take, the family elder is satisfied that the boy knows the girl that he loves.
Now it is time for the bride price. As many people here will tell you, they are not selling the daughter (in good families at least), but making sure the boy can take care of the girl and is serious. I will put it in the bride’s okyeame’s words so the reader can see what I mean. The man says, “I know that you have come a long distance, and that your heart is beating in your chest. But, take time and rest, and talk with your family. What things have you carried with you, so that we might now that you can be a husband.” They want to see that an emotion did not bring him only, but that he has prepared for marriage.
At this time the family speaks together, and the groom and the younger men head out of the room to get their gifts. Dennis enters the room again after about ten minutes with his gifts. The grooms best man (spokesmen), then present them to the bride spokesmen. They make sure to take pictures of all these things. The gifts are stated, and then the bride’s spokesmen tell them to the family elder. They included, 1 and a half crates of Malt; two and a half crates of coke, envelopes of money for the father, mother, brother of the bride, and then cloth for the mother. Also a Bible for the bride, and a ring. (In most wedding these gifts can be huge, many hundreds of dollars of clothes, drinks, and money. By God’s grace, Dennis’ wife’s family are more Christian in thinking and did not burden him with a large bride price. Also most family require many bottle of Schnapp, and other hard drink to finish the deal. In older time the bottle of Schnapps would be keep as a pledge, and if the man beat the wife would be returned to bring divorce. But luckily for Dennis no hot drinks were required).
The speaker showing the gifts
The spokesmen then presents these gifts to the family elder. They are talked over in the family, and now a key time comes the family can decide to take these gifts that were predetermined our add something to them. If they do, no matter the amount of cost, they must be fulfilled or the engagement will not continue. The family elder smiled in this case, and then spoke to the spokesmen. He turned to the groom family and said… “We see here gifts, but how can a girl wear a Bible and how can a ring cover her, do you have more to add?”
This was a good respond, but all the other things that Dennis had bought for the bride were at the house, and he did not have them with her. So the family asked to leave and they would discuss this development, I left with the family at this time, and Dennis the groom, just looked like he wanted everything to be over, so he could see his bride. (Remember the bride is no where to be seen at this time). After discussion, we all return from another room, and the groom’s spokesmen, tells the bride’s man that the gifts are at the house. He begs that they not be forced to be brought. (This case the family gives grace, and the wedding continues, but if they wish they could have made them go and get all the things, in this time the spoken and elders agreed that after the engagement, the speaker would take his vehicle and go to the house and check to make sure everything was present).
Now that the price and everyhitng has been excepted the grooms family elders greet the bride’s family, and give them thanks. In sign of respect the elderly people lower the clothes off their shoulder, much like removing a hat, and shack the oldest man and woman’s hands.
Dennis accepting Dora
Now the bride can be called. But where is she. The groom’s spokes men ask to be able to see the wife, he has paid the debt, and now wants to see the girl. At this time, the uncle have an opportunity. Traditional the uncle would get some money, but not as much as the father or mother, and a certain fact of procedure gave them an opportunity to make some money. In the olden days the girl was not allowed to stay at the home if the family knew a boy was coming to marry their daughter. They did not want her to beg for lowly dowry or for the boy to try take her by force if there was a disagreement. For this reason she was sent to a relatives house, as near or faraway as the family deems important. This gave the uncles their chance to gain a larger gift before the wedding. At the engagement, the spokesmen for the girl, normally her uncle, will tell the young man’s family, that the girl is not here, and that he will have to send someone to get her. This being a case, transportation will have to be provided for the trip.
Me praying for the couple
(In this case, the men joked about if she was in Temale, or Tema, of Wa, to which the man’s people pointed to the far bedroom, and told him that he was in Temale. The uncle then asked for a plane ticket fair, and the man handed in 10 cedis. (about ten dollars) and to this they called a young girl to call the bride. Of course the uncle look as if he gave the money to her, but took it back).
Finally the bride was allowed to come. She was dressed al in white, but not the formal white dress of the church wedding, but a nice locally made white dress. At this point the bride family asks the bride if she will accept the gifts. They ask here about three times to make sure, and then the groom and bride are allowed to sit on a couch together. At this time, the elders from the family give advice. The men remind Dennis that he has married her, and that he should not raise a hand to bet his wife and to be a good husband. The women challenge Dora to be a good wife and obey her husband.
At this time the women’s family elder handed over the serve to Dora’s pastor. Here he preformed a small ceremony, (if he had chosen he could have completed a full marriage ceremony, but he chose to have a small time of Dennis giving a ring, and to invite the people to his church the following day for the wedding). Here all the pastors that were present gave a charge to the couple and directed them to try to start the marriage well.
Dora getting her ring
I was given the opportunity to speak, and since I would no preach at the other church for doctrinal and other practical reason, I used this time to say some words of encourage to the couple.
After the speaking, the family opened all the cokes, and each person was given some food. Sometimes this can be very expensive, but Dennis wisely purchased a small amount of meat and a small meat pie for each person; still expensive, but not as high as it could have been. After eating the engagement was over and people were free to leave and take picture.
And this ends the long description of our first African Engagement. (Sorry for so few pictures the lighting was bad).
